A Dog's Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

A Dog’s Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Here it is again, popping into my computer Inbox like the proverbial cat that keeps coming back:

"University Diplomas!"

"Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power,
and the admiration of all.”

(Which am I most desirous of? Money or admiration? Or just plain old status?)

”Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited
universities based on your present knowledge
and life experience.”

(Ohhhh, knowledge is such a subjective thing; same with accreditation, no doubt!)

”No required tests, classes, books, or interviews.”

(Painless!)

”Bachelors, masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD)
diplomas available in the field of your choice.”

”No one is turned down.”

(I take the bait! This statement does not appear to be species particular.)

”Confidentiality assured.”

(Why? What’s to hide?)

”CALL NOW to receive your diploma
within days!!!”

(Earth days or Plutonian days?)

Call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including
Sundays and holidays.

(Wow. It's just like in Las Vegas!)

I call three times and leave messages, but no one returns my call, so it's back onto the Internet to see what I can do to translate my two Cairn terriers Maggie and Geordie’s “life experiences” into degrees of higher education, preferably doctorates.

When I try the first search engines, I have no luck with these instant credentials, but with the magic of computer graphics and certificate templates, perhaps I can make my own, can't I? My mother always said that homemade things were more thoughtful anyhow. Besides, most of the sites I discover online are either LEGITIMATE (yikes!) or really expensive.

Reverie

So I take a time out, leave the computer and start dreaming, first with Geordie’s post-secondary education with a BSE from "Harvey Mud" College in Clairmont, CA., a very small but select Math/Science-oriented college in consortium with some other schools: Fomona College, Scrapps, Spritzer and Clairmont-Smog. Maggie can start at the "JulieYard" School for her Bachelor of Fine Arts in Theatre. I ponder “how much I missed her during her first four years away from home”—all alone was she in The Big Apple so far away and having to find someone with a Sherpa Bag with whom to fly home each time for the holidays and how she has had to suffer through cold Februarys and all those dogs in town for Westminster. While Geordie obtains his Masters of Science in Engineering at Catlifornia Institute of Technology, Maggie joins Yail University’s prestigious theatre department in New England and earns herself a Master of Fine Arts while landing some choice roles in productions such as A Streetcar Named Desire (Blanche Dubois, naturally). Only once does she have to suffer the indignity of being typecast as Toto in The Wizard of Oz.

Back to Reality

A man named Gerald finally returns my call. The “prestigious unaccredited university” is Glen Cullen University in Dublin, Ireland, and it costs $2500 to get enough together in life experiences, etc. to get a doctorate. AND it is even sort of legitimate—they really DO want life experiences—and my stories of how Geordie got his biology education through the practical study of rats and some “structural engineering” from his digging-- he wanted to see how big a hole itwould take to make the house collapse in upon itself-- weren't going to cut it. Neither would Maggie’s wordless ability to elicit all sorts of emotions from her audience (the family) get her credit for a semester of Mime or were her soliloquies going to fulfill a Speech requirement.

Besides, these are Scottish dogs, not Irish ones. Glen Fiddich University in Glasgow, perhaps?

After I confess to him that I was trying to get doctorates on my terriers, Gerald catches the spirit and suggest a www.google.com search We chat for a while and I complain that the statement “No one is turned down” is not only misleading; it's downright BOGUS.

He agrees to talk to the management about it. (Yeah, sure!)

This further provides a reason to procrastinate all the work I should be doing. So I waste about an hour and a half searching after which I finally settle for much less than I’d hoped.

Well, it really does pay off after all—well, sort of. Geordie is finally a Doctor of Civil Engineering. His degree comesfrom the Daley-Diddler School of Engineering at Nostradamus University in Chapel Hill, Virginia.

Maggie has her doctorate in Communications from Texas Aunt Em University in Berkeley, (Texas, of course). They do not offer a Theatre Arts degree. However, the Wizard of Oz allusion kind of clinched the choice of institutions for me, even though I may be one of maybe two or three Cairn terrier owners who is actually tired of that movie.

Maggie’s undergraduate transcript shows a minor in Special Education, which is not entirely inappropriate as some of her “life experience” includes therapy work at a local middle school in that field. Each graduate has a letter of recommendation from his/her respective institution, each signed by someone named Mae M. Bellish, who raves, “In all my years teaching at __________, I have never encountered a better all-around student.”

How this Ms. Bellish has found a way to teach at two separate universities in at least two different disciplines simultaneously, I will never know.

Dog of the Cloth

Meanwhile, I am thrilled to announce that as of March 14, 2001, (Dr.) Ch. Joywood’s Geordie for MagaDog, CD, ME has been ordained a Minister of the Universal Life Church. For real!

He may legally perform weddings, commitment ceremonies, exorcisms, and now you may address him as “The Reverend Geordie.” He prefers to omit the “Doctor” part: since he has become a member of the clergy, he has become more humble.

The Reverend Geordie

"Sinners in the Hand of an Angry Dog"

However, The Reverend Dr. Ch. Joywood’s Geordie for MagaDog, CD, ME has not completely ruled out politics yet.

Maggie is seriously considering applying for sainthood, which is also available on the Internet. Meanwhile my sons are in accord that I should be at an institution, but I’m pretty sure they mean one that doesn’t offer any degrees-- one where admission is involuntary.